I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
