I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Randomize
