Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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