before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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