Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Randomize
