Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
