If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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