He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
