omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
