so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
