Jerry, you need to find god
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
