dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
