just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
