I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
