I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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