Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
