Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Randomize
