im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
