and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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