just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
