So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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