I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Randomize
