He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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