Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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