He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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