these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
