I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
