Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
