can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
