I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
