i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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