if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
