If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
