i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
