Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
