um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Randomize
