you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Someone shit on the floor
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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