Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
