Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
