I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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