Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I have already put on my inside pants.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
