You work out of a Hotel?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
