if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
