i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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