Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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