Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
where am i from again
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
