We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
