Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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