Kiss
Puke
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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