also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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