if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
i've created a new STD.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
