well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
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