End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Randomize
