Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
BRING THE BAGELS
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize