I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
it's great music for shaving your balls
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
