dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
