oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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