its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
