I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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