lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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